I love you, but more importantly, God loves you!
And so the story begins...
Most people do not start out as Christians. I didn’t at least. I grew up in a family of four, two parents and a younger sibling. I don’t recall ever starving as it relates to food. I always had clothes on my back. I was able to go to school and never had a need for anything. In the background, I had no idea the struggles my parents went through to ensure all my needs were met. I believe I had a normal childhood, as far as normality goes. There were ups and downs, but it was the typical childhood. With me being the oldest, my parents did the best they could raising me with the limited experience they had. They had their faults, but ultimately they were excellent and loving parents.
When it came to going to church the idea was never forced upon me by my parents. My mother grew up going to church every day with my grandmother. I remember her telling me how terrified she was to go to church because all she could recall that was taught was about fire and brimstone; hell. Like clockwork, the fear of God and going to hell was preached every Sunday. If she didn’t get her life right and stop sinning, her final destination was hell. As a result of her fear, my mother made an oath that she would never force the idea of going to church on her children. My father, although he had a saved mother, never himself went to church or even thought about it.
Although the idea wasn’t forced upon me, God was there all the time; from the very beginning. I always had a yearning to be in church. In first grade, I knew a sweet older woman from my school that asked my mother if I could go to church with her. Her denomination was Presbyterian. As a kid I didn't know anything about denominations, but I was so excited about going to church. My mother didn’t have a problem with it and supported any idea of keeping her children off the street or in trouble. So my mother accepted her offer and Ms. Smith was faithful to pick me up for church every Sunday. I will never forget Ms. Smith. Her faithfulness, kindness, and love will forever resonate in my memories.
A few years later, I started going to church with my best friend, Jane. Her church’s denomination was Baptist. Going to a Baptist church was an entirely different experience than going to a Presbyterian church. It wasn’t the quiet serene place I was accustomed to, but this place was more exciting and uplifting. It had different music and I no longer had to go to the front of the church for children’s time like the former church. I really hate that. However, I can say from the former church I learned more about Jesus than I did at the Baptist church. The Baptist church I remember more about the music and the traditions it had. Oh yeah, and the chicken dinners.
Entering into my preteen years I still had an interest in church. I remember feeling that fear of going to hell if I didn’t get my life right just as my mother did. My grandmother, my dad’s mother who was a devout Christian, would scare the hell into me about going to hell. Don’t get me wrong; she had the best intentions for me. She wanted me to make it to heaven. So she felt in order to save me, she had to put the fear of God in me. I remember when visiting her, she would have Christian comic books that had the scariest pictures of hell. Even the kids in the comic books looked scary. She was the type of Christian that pay homage to God by turning off all the electricity when there was a thunderstorm. It was mandatory to sit in the dark in silence and let God do his work. Making any movement would guarantee a slap upside the head. We had to sit down, be perfectly still and quiet. Absolutely no talking! I recall her telling me one day the earth was not going to be around the year 2000. When she said that, I was so frighten. So I started to do a lot of things to get myself right. It was fruitless attempt. When the clock struck midnight the year 2000, and continue on, I felt God had given me another chance to get right.
In my teenager years, I still had the desire to attend church, but by this time I had enter into the land of rebellion. I had enough sense, and I would venture to say grace over my life, not to divvy into drugs and alcohol, but premarital sex was something entirely different. I had a steady boyfriend during my high school years and as an immature dense young lady, I wanted to do anything to make him happy which included having sex with him. I had the deception in my mind that we were going to get married anyway, so what difference did it make if we were having premarital sex. While we were dating, my boyfriend decided to go to church; a Methodist one. So I begged my mother to allow me to go with him to church and she agreed. I could honestly say the word that came forth was inspirational, but I didn’t retain any of it because I was going to church for the wrong reasons.
After college I met a man at my workplace, my husband. He was a man that had a church background; the denomination, Church of God. His grandmother was a pastor, two of his aunts were pastors, and his parents were devoted Christians. I liked him because he was so different from the rest. He introduced me to gospel music and I became a lover of it. However, I was still very rebellious. I could curse like a sailor and would cut a person down to tears with my vicious words. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I didn’t go to church. However, we liked and eventually loved each other enough to shack up for 4 years. At the same time, I was working at a processing center and God place a young woman in my life, Tina. Tina use to get on my nerves! She would always stare at me and I would always wonder why is this chick staring at me. Tina would come to me often and say, “God loves you!” I would smile and brush her off. However, Tina was persistent. I didn’t know at the time, but God was utilizing Tina to pursue me. It took a while, but after I was married; one day in a Waffle House with Tina, I gave my life to Christ. From there, what God had placed in me began to materialize.
After receiving salvation, I was eager to become a member of a church. So my husband and I joined a church, denomination Church of God, and my desire to know God increased. I began to study the word, to pray, and get a true understanding of what being a Christian was all about. I also learned that Christians, contrary to popular belief, are not perfect. I learned there are hypocrites in church and many people who have missed the message of who Jesus Christ is and what he has done. Even within the first church in which I became I member, I became disappointed and hurt by the very people I thought got what this race was all about. After some unfortunate issues with that church, my husband and I left.
The latest church my husband and I became members of was non-denominational. At last, a non-denominational church that didn’t have old traditions and rituals to follow. I can truly say I learned so much from the pastor of that church. I became more in tune to who Christ is; what it meant to have relationship with Him. I began to understand it wasn’t by any of my workings that earned me salvation. I begin to walk in the gifting that the Holy Spirit had granted me. I finally understood that God loved me.
I will say it again because now I have a full understanding. God wants us to have relationship with Him. He loves us so much! However, we cannot know that until we are open to receive His love, His truth. It is not about upholding rituals or traditions. I don’t discard religion. I believe it’s important to have order. The bible says that we should do things decently and in order (1Cor 14:40). However, we can do a lot of good works and keep up with traditions, but still have a nasty disposition. One poet stated it best for me, “It’s like spraying perfume on a casket…” (bball1989). We walk around like dead people on the inside trying to keep up outward appearances of righteousness. Relationship with Christ will result in a true change on the inside that will reflect a genuine change on the outside. Because of my relationship with Him, I have learned who I am in Him and who I am suppose to be. Now I am attuned to my assigned mission and divine purpose. I am no longer a blind dead man running around in a dark room, but now I have received and I am walking in the promise of eternal life with Him. I am not perfect and I still have my crosses to bear, but I am no longer that person I was years ago. I am growing in Christ. I am a new person in Christ. That old stuff is gone, the new is here.
Everyone has their own testimony to the discovery of the truth. Mine is nowhere near traumatic as some. I am truly blessed. However, God does not show favoritism. God wants you too! No matter what your past is, it doesn’t have to define your future. There is a prosperous and fulfilling future in God through Christ Jesus for you. If God has been wooing you, don’t resist, but instead let Him in. Life as a Christian is not easy, but it’s worth it. I can say that with confidence.
Anyone who believes in Christ is a new creation. The old is gone! The new has come! It is all from God. He brought us back to himself through Christ's death on the cross. And he has given us the task of bringing others back to him through Christ. --- 2 Cor 5:17-18 (NIV)
Thanks for sharing Nicole! Keep it up!!!
ReplyDeletelove you,
Donna